take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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