I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
