break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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