I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
