I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
