My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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