Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You coming home soon, man?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
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I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I touched a dick in church today
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!