hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.