and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I want her autograph on my taint
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.