If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
