I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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