I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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