Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
