it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
