tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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