Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
