dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
