In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
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