Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Randomize