Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
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I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
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Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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