The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
