roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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