last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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