seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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