You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
