I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
