you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
