She went from zero to smokin in five shots
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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