I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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