When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
