OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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