So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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