On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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