im six kinds of drunk right now
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
