The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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