she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
