I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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