giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
