I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You're like the curious george of whores
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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