My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
