The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
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he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
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I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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