the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
His hands were made for my vagina.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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