Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
