I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
