If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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