Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
