I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
