it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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