oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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