I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
