lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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