I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
