i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
