i love accidental penises.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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