im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
