i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
