I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
